whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
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The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Cat.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
If I ignore life will it go away?
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.