Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
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I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.