Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
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can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.