Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
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“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Chicken bread
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining