whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
You Might Also Like
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
