Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?

Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.

Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?

Date: I don’t see a future for us.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

who called it hell and not heaven’t

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it