whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
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[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
There is wisdom there.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
All. The. Damn. Time.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf