whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
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Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.