whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
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Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook