whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
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I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
estão todos miauvindo?
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care