Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
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interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
happy valentine’s day to me
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”