Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

What about a To-Don’t List?

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

God making man in his image was the original selfie

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.