Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
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Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.