Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

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“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666


Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]


[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?


Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.


I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.


[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it


You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH


[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on


me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous