Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
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trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Happens to everyone.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo