Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
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My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.