Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.