Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
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Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
bias laundering edition
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
This makes total sense…