Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

i prefer mine room temperature.

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

I have obtained a hat

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.