Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
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toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
The human personality is made of five key elements
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait