Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework