Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
You Might Also Like
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?