Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.