Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
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Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
So Hamburger help me, God
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again