Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
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My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Based Erika
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*