Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

me: *jumping out of a cake*

guy in next urinal: DUDE

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids