Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
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The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work