Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
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me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Mad Max: Furry Road
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
