Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

Cinema or bowling

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

Husband: you should get out of the house more

Me: *goes shopping*

Husband: not like that

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

The little toadstool has spoken.

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.