Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
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My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.