Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
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you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
My birthstone is kidney
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Wait a minute
I can’t stop watching this.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Probably my best painting.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
God has abandoned us.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month