Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am