Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
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I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
? 💀
on da cob, we all corn
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”