Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

LA today:

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.