Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*