Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
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“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.