Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.