Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.

“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts