Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
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Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
@ candidates for local office
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog