Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
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Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair