Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
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One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt