Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

Go hard or stay average

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

nice challenge

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

I occasionally drink every single night.

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.