Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

also my go-to takeaway order

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup