whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
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the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
A short story about romance.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute