Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
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8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.