Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
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Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?