Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

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Me: Aww, look at that little puppy on tv. Isn’t he the cutest?!

Dog: The hell, Man?? Right here!


I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.


[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.



I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.


Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.


Do you have FB?
Do you have Twitter?
What do you have?
A life.

Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.


Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff


Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals


Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.