@Cheeseboy22

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

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@TheAlexNevil

Me: Aww, look at that little puppy on tv. Isn’t he the cutest?!

Dog: The hell, Man?? Right here!

@robin_991

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

@Reverend_Scott

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

@boredbostonian

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

@AnitaHelmet

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

@Carbosly

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.


Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

@EndhooS

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

@susie_qsie

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.