Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
