Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

Ron is short for Aaronald

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

🥲

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.