Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
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Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Love it! 👍😂
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
rip to my favourite tweet
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here