Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

as is their right

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

Seductively sings in Klingon.

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.