Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
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You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same