Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
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We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I missed you with all my darts
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks