Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
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“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Good lord
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.