Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
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Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.