Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

Mice are just frozen Mwater.

person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god

wearing a jumpsuit is so fun and flirty until youre in a public restroom

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.