Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
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The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
i think both sides are to blame here
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.