Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
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waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
My dad teaching me to drive
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Never ghost your hitman.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.