Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Cool shirt 🙂
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
🙁
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.