Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
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If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Breaking news:
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
this got me crying😭😭
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
I ain’t wearing no wire
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T