Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
You Might Also Like
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.