Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
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Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
