Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

“OMGJK” -atheists