whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
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My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
