whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
You Might Also Like
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.