Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
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No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
the council will decide your fate
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury