Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
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My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?