Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
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Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
🤣dope
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.