Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
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Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay