whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
You Might Also Like
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Kids, do not try this at home!
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
My life coach traded me.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.