Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.

P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

Spell check is for lasers.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

listen closely

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G