whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
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*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
A small tragedy.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
when someone rings the doorbell
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.