whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
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Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
No, YOUR illiterate.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too