whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
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Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I’M CRYINGGG
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life