Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

You know…for fall…

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”