Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”