Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
You Might Also Like
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.