whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
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america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Sing it!
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JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
WHO DID THIS?
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Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.