whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
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don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes