Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
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Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
on da cob, we all corn
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
All generalizations are stupid.
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.