Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
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Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I love texting my boyfriend
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases