Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
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I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm