Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
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Don’t forget to tip your server
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words